Our Sunday column (we use the pen name TIM HAGER. We also use this ridiculously pale and completely unremarkable-looking nothing as the front for said column. Really, it's all silly. We're actually really handsome. Um, yeah.) in the Beaufort Gazette this week is about the greatest breakup songs ever, in honor of Valentine's Day.

We have our list and will be writing more about in the next week, but we want your feedback first. What do you think?

And, please, we don't want some obscure Boston punk ballad or the B-side cut on the Beatles .45 that was distributed through a Frosted Flakes box top giveaway in 1965. (Wow, look at you, aren't you the music snob. OK, OK, you know more about music than we do. We got it. Way to go! Other than that, we're better than you in every SINGLE way, so don't rub it in you music geek! Enjoy your meaningless victory, and choke on it!)

Ahem, so, yeah ... anyway, mainstream pop, R&B, rap, whatever. And, OK, country, we guess, although we'll probably ignore those, because we think all country music is sort of sad and depressing.

To help you get started, here's a nice sad song about how much love stinks, courtesy of Mr. Ben Harper:

Hannah Montana stinks

Here's this week's box office top 10:

1. “Hannah Montana & Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Concert (3-D),” Disney, $31,117,834, 683 locations, $45,561 average, $31,117,834, one week.
2. “The Eye,” Lionsgate, $12,425,776, 2,436 locations, $5,101 average, $12,425,776, one week.
3. “27 Dresses,” Fox, $8,529,845, 2,976 locations, $2,866 average, $57,245,093, three weeks.
4. “Meet the Spartans,” Fox, $7,336,595, 2,643 locations, $2,776 average, $28,543,340, two weeks.
5. “Rambo,” Lionsgate, $7,120,649, 2,751 locations, $2,588 average, $29,918,795, two weeks.
6. “Juno,” Fox Searchlight, $7,014,579, 2,475 locations, $2,834 average, $109,828,029, nine weeks.
7. “The Bucket List,” Warner Bros., $6,725,460, 2,915 locations, $2,307 average, $67,546,573, seven weeks.
8. “Untraceable,” Sony, $5,076,537, 2,368 locations, $2,144 average, $19,127,089, two weeks.
9. “Cloverfield,” Paramount, $4,842,031, 3,007 locations, $1,610 average, $71,915,658, three weeks.
10. “There Will Be Blood,” Paramount Vantage, $4,654,162, 1,507 locations, $3,088 average, $21,038,955, six weeks.

The fact that the Hannah Montana movie made $30 million might be a bigger shot to the face for us than the Patriots losing the Super Bowl. (40 seconds left, three timeouts, 30-40 yards to go for a field goal and you take THREE shots downfield? Really? When your line obviously couldn't stop the pass rush. Really? No thoughts on throwing something short and letting Welker or Faulk scramble for yardage. You have three timeouts, you know that, right? Why isn't anyone bringing this up!? Is it just us!? We're sick about it.)



Anyway, we're really tired of the whole Hannah Montana/Miley Ray Cyrus era. Parents never learn. Let us explain it in simple, easy terms: The things NEVER end well. For reference see Spears, Britney; Lohan, Lindsay; Olsen, Mary Kate; Feldman, Corey.

You WILL be disappointed. It is unavoidable. There are four paths to go down, these are ranked in order from the most probable to the least:

1. Complete destruction. This is the Nagasaki of pop stardom. Heroin addiction. Eating disorder. Starts hanging out with Paris at the club. Maybe a brush with the law. Married at 19. Pregnant at 20. Breakup with dad. Teary-eyed interview with Matt Lauer King Winfrey Walters. Rehab. Eternal scorn.



By the way, when this happens, all those parents who spend thousands for their kids on Montana gear will pull the, "Hey, you're a role model for our daughter!" card. As if they have no ability to hold their kid's obsession in check. Hey, stupid, you should have thought about that when you scalped $500 tickets to her concert.

2. Hannah Mon-broke-a So, she makes gazillions, turns 18, realizes her fortune was siphoned off a little here by a corrupt manager, maybe she makes a bad investment in wheat farms, maybe Billy Ray Daddy "borrows" a few millions to start a club in Backwoods, Miss. Next thing you know, she's 20, broke, starring on a reality show to pay the bills. This is very sad but possible, given that her dad seems like the kind of parent who is a little TOO into her career. See Lohan, Michael and Spears, Dina and Coleman, Gary's parents.

3. She's a hit! Teen stars rarely end well, but sometimes they do. Drew Barrymore came out of it. So did Christian Bale. Ryan Gosling. Justin Timberlake. Christina Aguilera. They all hit adulthood and were able to find ADULT identities (the hardest part). This probably won't happen because, a., her dad might be crazy and, b., in order to be able to find an adult career she'll have to reinvent herself completely, which means coming out of scenario one with as few scars as possible (ala Barrymore). This has happened once. And, c., let's be honest, she's not THAT talented. Her next album is titled "Unlistenable."



4. Out of the business by 25. This is probably the best, and most unlikely, scenario. She apexes with a ridiculous amount of fame and rather than flaming out, she just fades away. Releases a few albums in her late teens that do nothing. Appears on Dances with the Stars. Maybe a movie that tanks. Perhaps a "tasteful" Playboy shoot. A Broadway run followed by an appearance on the touring show of Hairspray. Finally she hangs it up, singing semi-occasionally in Branson, appearing occasionally on those Where Are They Now? shows. We call this the Debbie Gibson route. Not a bad way to go, and it probably won't happen.

Anyway, the future looks bad. Our advice would be for her to retire now.

And the reason with think No. 1 is the most likely (besides the mountain of evidence we have already) is that it is hard to be that famous and that wealthy and that young. That's why most parents (the type we call "good") would not let their kids participate in something that is potentially so self destructive.

And we don't care about how wholesome she acts or how much she talks about God or how caring her dad seems to be. Wasn't Britney talking about her virginity just, like, five years ago? It doesn't matter. Rebellion is normal. Most of us rebel by drinking a box of wine at our friend Stew's house and passing out in his garage. A billionaire tween star rebels by hitting club Gauche sans underwear, scoring some heroin and taking a drive on the LA Freeway. Where are we wrong?

And we don't trust Billy Ray. First, Miley last week changed her name to Miley Ray Cyrus so as to be more closely identified with her dad. Wow, whose decision do you think that was? Teenage girls routinely want to be just like dad. He's just creepy. (Why would anyone want to be identified with Achy Breaky?)



Second, he had ridiculous fame and ridiculous scorn and a big fall from the top complete, we assume, with bumps and bruises and hard times. So why would you want your daughter to go through that before she's old enough to vote? Michael Jackson won't even let his kids go out in public without masks on because he doesn't want them to be photographed. And you know what? THAT seems more sane than pushing your daughter on stage so you can reclaim some of your 1990s mullet-wearing mojo.

Please, tell us why we're wrong. We're dying to be convinced that the Hannah Montana craze will end nicely. As long as it ends. Soon.